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          MLB News

          One weird retro commercial for every team

          Eat your heart out, Don Draper
          April 9, 安徽快3开奖直播

          Sure, you roll your eyes at commercials in the moment -- you mean I have to wait a few minutes for this? But give it a few years (or decades), and all of a sudden they become something sublime -- bizarre time capsules that make us ask, "Wow, did Bob

          Sure, you roll your eyes at commercials in the moment -- you mean I have to wait a few minutes for this? But give it a few years (or decades), and all of a sudden they become something sublime -- bizarre time capsules that make us ask, "Wow, did Bob Uecker really get us to buy more beer? Did our clothes and TVs really look so ugly? Just where is the beef?"

          So let's hop in our trusty time machine and laugh at the weirdest, silliest, and most over-the-top ads from every big league team. We'll mostly be using spots that weren't produced by the team itself, because things are so much funnier when you have Kirk Gibson hawking a local boat show -- which, yes, you'll find if you scroll down below.

          Angels

          You know what makes me want to buy season tickets? A guy in a suit talking over footage of the most depressing batting practice imaginable -- including the heart-pounding thrills of a dude bunting.

          Astros

          I think the subtitles are, uhh, not quite capturing everything Jose Cruz had to say here.

          A's

          This commercial doesn't imply but straight-up states that Reggie Jackson doesn't brush his teeth often enough. I'm not sure how much money I would need to be paid to put that information in front of every family in the country安徽快3开奖直播.

          Observant fans will also notice that this was shot at Dodger Stadium, not Oakland -- just check out the angular scoreboard in the outfield.

          Blue Jays

          There's simply no other choice for the Blue Jays than the commercial their fans still cheer for. Seriously.

          When Toronto celebrated in 2011, the team played this ad and Rogers Centre went wild. Alomar was even selling a into this decade.

          Braves

          People will try and tell you that Moe Berg was the only

          Brewers

          It might be cheating to use a Bob Uecker ad -- after all, he was a better pitch man than he ever was a ballplayer -- but this commercial is just too weird not to include. I mean, Ueck, Rodney Dangerfield and a weird hybrid mashup of "Clue" and "Mission Impossible?" Move over, Don Draper.

          Cardinals

          Science has done so much for us. It's created antibiotics and airplanes and, most importantly, the VORTEX POWER BAT.

          Cubs

          If you thought you'd never get amped up by watching a man eat a candy bar, well, you've never seen Ron Santo eat a candy bar. This is better than any workout playlist you have.

          D-backs

          It's pretty rare to see ballplayers make fun of themselves -- especially in a multi-million dollar nationwide ad campaign. So, props to Randy Johnson for being willing to show off just how bad he is at the plate.

          Still, maybe all that work in the cage paid off. In 2003, Johnson hit the lone 安徽快3开奖直播 run of his big league career.

          Dodgers

          It's indisputable that Hyun-Jin Ryu is the

          Giants

          Frankly, it's amazing I reached adulthood without Willie Mays telling me not to play with blasting caps.

          Indians

          Kenny Lofton is . I like to think he caught the bug while working with SNL's Jan Hooks on this ad.

          Mariners

          Obviously we weren't going to select one of the Mariners' more modern commercials, which have

          Marlins

          Never has a PSA for reading seemed so dire.

          Mets

          You can't beat "Meet the Mets," but a "Milk Kicks!" jam along with a chuggin' Darryl Strawberry is pretty good, too.

          Nationals

          from on .

          The Nationals haven't been around long enough to have cheesy old ads, so you'll just have to accept Ryan Zimmerman appearing alongside the guys whose commercial was . That whole sentence is weird to type.

          Orioles

          If you want to know what it was like to be alive in the early 2000s, well, this commercial basically sums it up: digital cameras, the Osbournes and Cal Ripken Jr. There's really nothing else you need to know.

          Padres

          I'm not sure what I like most about this: Bip Roberts' obsession with his baseball card value, or the idea that Tony Gwynn just casually flipped through card guides while in the dugout. Baseball players: They're just like us!

          Phillies

          Thanks to the hero who uploaded this, you can spend a full 3 minutes and 40 seconds pretending it's 1986 again. And if you want to get really weird, why not strip out all the audio except for the truly terrifying narration? That's enough for a David Lynchian horror short.

          Pirates

          Considering teams have had to place a limit on the amount of , this commercial might feature more truth than fiction.

          Rangers

          If you jumbled every single thing about the '90s -- power hitters, jump cuts, music seemingly designed inside a gym -- and smashed them all together, you'd get this ad.

          Rays

          This Evan Longoria ad was one of the first commercials to really go viral, because we weren't prepared for fakes and simply accepted it as fact.

          It seems obvious now, but then again, people were once fooled by a that seems silly in retrospect, too.

          Reds

          There's certainly nothing wrong with a big leaguer teaching kids how to calculate ERA. I know if I was a child, I would want to have Tom Seaver show me how to do it.

          But having "Baseball fever: catch it" as a tagline after a math exercise is pushing it.

          Red Sox

          Two years before John Krasinski got his big break on "The Office," he was hanging out in a bowling alley selling coffee with Nomar Garciaparra. This is Krasinksi's real

          Rockies

          Sure, we could talk about what may have been the first , but let's go with one that came when Colorado was still simply hoping for a Major League team. It has a strange dystopian feel to it, as a dorky scientist out of Central Casting teams up with a precocious child in the middle of a barren, baseball-less landscape.

          It even ends with a bizarre freeze frame that owes more to low-budget 1970s horror movies than baseball commercials.

          Royals

          It's not every day that a submarining pitcher gets a heroically intense commercial (though the shot of him sipping from a water fountain undercuts that a bit), but then again, there weren't many pitchers like Dan Quisenberry. The dude didn't just close out games, he , too!

          Tigers

          Forget that World Series 安徽快3开奖直播 run. Kirk Gibson shilling for the "Boat Show" is the best thing he's ever done. Well, other

          Twins

          A date night setup with a reveal that it's actually a milk commercial with Mom? Nothing screams Joe Mauer more than that.

          White Sox

          Frank Thomas' screaming face emerging out of his biceps is the kind of high art buried within a commercial that I look for. This could hang in a museum as an example of post-modernism in the '90s.

          Yankees

          Reggie Jackson makes a second appearance here, with a commercial that is a little kinder to him this time around.

          Michael Clair writes for . He spends a lot of time thinking about walk-up music and believes stirrup socks are an integral part of every formal outfit.